So like, theres a difference in knowing what the right thing to do is, and actually doing it. Theres no metaphor, I just want something I cant have and I think I can do whatever it takes to get it. Key word being 'think', because life is not like a movie where you know that there has to be a happy ending, hence, the protagonist must be capable. In this case, I have to become capable of being able to do whatever it takes. For now, I'm going to take a shower.

They think they are pushing me, hahaha. I play along because it gives me the advantage in the long term considering the thought process that goes on behind it. Call it manipulation but I call it even.

A puff more, a cigarette less. Today, I ran out of rizla's. There could not be a more unfit time for this as exam stress is on and a casual stroll with a smoke is the only thing that sets my mind at ease. A trip to Jhonny's here and there kills the time but the pressure continues to rise.

It hit me by surprise recently but I realized my reasons for looking forward to the summer. There's a few things I have learnt over the year but nothing too exciting except for what I learnt in my course which I believe would not be as interesting to anybody else. Though, I believe I will one day meet a person who can match my aspirations and understand my argument with life. I have become somebody who would by standard be described as depressed or sad, but I am not depressed as I have felt depression and I am not sad as I know the feeling of loss. I would describe myself as indifferent. My attitude is a choice made based on calculations for the path I see ahead of me. I juggle my personality to fit others moods to create an artificial moment and bond, but what of my souls emptiness. I am not lonely because I have people around me and I am thankful for that, I just haven't found what I'm looking for. I do not feel sorry for myself or need others sympathy, I'm just really exhausted because this experience is becoming repetitive and I need something new. Something... new.

I know I should be dealing with this alot better but seriously, I'm not dealing with it. I just keep avoiding the thought and convincing myself that it'll be fine when I get back to Karachi. But its never going to be fine. I'm uglier than I've ever been and I dont want you to look at me anymore, but if you don't, it hurts. Its like one of those "I'm destined to die by your hands" things and I want you to kill me (metaphorically obviously!) because if you say "Goodbye" today, I'd ask you to be true. The hardest part of this, is leaving you.

A kiss feels like a kiss whether from a stranger or from somebody. It takes you away.

Alone..

Not lacking spirit or liveliness yet so languorous. But its impossible, have I been fooled by the emotions of being a boy again? Will I be played or is there a balance? I want you, I want to indulge in your soul again, I want to be a part of something meaningful. There is no justice when it comes to my satisfaction, but I'm all about sacrifice. So let it in, open every door of injustice and ill see it through till the end. I miss the tender moments between the significant ones, lets just move into those.

What about me?

At the very end of the game, there is a level where the boss is not a fire breathing dragon or an army of aliens trying to mutilate the planet, its just your own selfish ego. I want to be loved but I want greater things from love too. I want love to love me. I want to make love complete. Is there any way for me to hold on to this feeling forever because I haven't ever felt so miserable and vulnerable. It doesn't even matter if my walls fall because ive been naked before many times.

There is a sense of comfort in this nude form, I feel free, I feel like I belong. I feel like theres no other corner on the planet I would fit into as perfectly as I do here. The edges are smooth and the texture of the surface is soft. Around me are colors representing different moods but black is missing, black is not invited. Theres only room for two here and I wish we could dance forever.