A puff more, a cigarette less. Today, I ran out of rizla's. There could not be a more unfit time for this as exam stress is on and a casual stroll with a smoke is the only thing that sets my mind at ease. A trip to Jhonny's here and there kills the time but the pressure continues to rise.

It hit me by surprise recently but I realized my reasons for looking forward to the summer. There's a few things I have learnt over the year but nothing too exciting except for what I learnt in my course which I believe would not be as interesting to anybody else. Though, I believe I will one day meet a person who can match my aspirations and understand my argument with life. I have become somebody who would by standard be described as depressed or sad, but I am not depressed as I have felt depression and I am not sad as I know the feeling of loss. I would describe myself as indifferent. My attitude is a choice made based on calculations for the path I see ahead of me. I juggle my personality to fit others moods to create an artificial moment and bond, but what of my souls emptiness. I am not lonely because I have people around me and I am thankful for that, I just haven't found what I'm looking for. I do not feel sorry for myself or need others sympathy, I'm just really exhausted because this experience is becoming repetitive and I need something new. Something... new.

I know I should be dealing with this alot better but seriously, I'm not dealing with it. I just keep avoiding the thought and convincing myself that it'll be fine when I get back to Karachi. But its never going to be fine. I'm uglier than I've ever been and I dont want you to look at me anymore, but if you don't, it hurts. Its like one of those "I'm destined to die by your hands" things and I want you to kill me (metaphorically obviously!) because if you say "Goodbye" today, I'd ask you to be true. The hardest part of this, is leaving you.

A kiss feels like a kiss whether from a stranger or from somebody. It takes you away.

Alone..

Not lacking spirit or liveliness yet so languorous. But its impossible, have I been fooled by the emotions of being a boy again? Will I be played or is there a balance? I want you, I want to indulge in your soul again, I want to be a part of something meaningful. There is no justice when it comes to my satisfaction, but I'm all about sacrifice. So let it in, open every door of injustice and ill see it through till the end. I miss the tender moments between the significant ones, lets just move into those.

What about me?

At the very end of the game, there is a level where the boss is not a fire breathing dragon or an army of aliens trying to mutilate the planet, its just your own selfish ego. I want to be loved but I want greater things from love too. I want love to love me. I want to make love complete. Is there any way for me to hold on to this feeling forever because I haven't ever felt so miserable and vulnerable. It doesn't even matter if my walls fall because ive been naked before many times.

There is a sense of comfort in this nude form, I feel free, I feel like I belong. I feel like theres no other corner on the planet I would fit into as perfectly as I do here. The edges are smooth and the texture of the surface is soft. Around me are colors representing different moods but black is missing, black is not invited. Theres only room for two here and I wish we could dance forever.

Where do I go from here? Give me an objective, I need purpose again, I need reason.

Choice..?

The ability to choose, what an illusion. You never had a choice to begin with. It was all just a false pretense to give you a sense of freedom.

There isn't any such thing as choice. We are born without consent into a place which we don't get to choose. Thrown into the circumstances, and expected to survive and within this struggle for survival, a human being is born. One with a personality and other traits that distinguish him from all of his kind, but don't be fooled, these traits are not his, they are just a result of the circumstances he was born under. He didn't have a choice to begin with and all the choices he will make in the future are dependent on his traits which only reflect on the circumstances he was born in.