I know I should be dealing with this alot better but seriously, I'm not dealing with it. I just keep avoiding the thought and convincing myself that it'll be fine when I get back to Karachi. But its never going to be fine. I'm uglier than I've ever been and I dont want you to look at me anymore, but if you don't, it hurts. Its like one of those "I'm destined to die by your hands" things and I want you to kill me (metaphorically obviously!) because if you say "Goodbye" today, I'd ask you to be true. The hardest part of this, is leaving you.

A kiss feels like a kiss whether from a stranger or from somebody. It takes you away.

Alone..

Not lacking spirit or liveliness yet so languorous. But its impossible, have I been fooled by the emotions of being a boy again? Will I be played or is there a balance? I want you, I want to indulge in your soul again, I want to be a part of something meaningful. There is no justice when it comes to my satisfaction, but I'm all about sacrifice. So let it in, open every door of injustice and ill see it through till the end. I miss the tender moments between the significant ones, lets just move into those.

What about me?

At the very end of the game, there is a level where the boss is not a fire breathing dragon or an army of aliens trying to mutilate the planet, its just your own selfish ego. I want to be loved but I want greater things from love too. I want love to love me. I want to make love complete. Is there any way for me to hold on to this feeling forever because I haven't ever felt so miserable and vulnerable. It doesn't even matter if my walls fall because ive been naked before many times.

There is a sense of comfort in this nude form, I feel free, I feel like I belong. I feel like theres no other corner on the planet I would fit into as perfectly as I do here. The edges are smooth and the texture of the surface is soft. Around me are colors representing different moods but black is missing, black is not invited. Theres only room for two here and I wish we could dance forever.

Where do I go from here? Give me an objective, I need purpose again, I need reason.

Choice..?

The ability to choose, what an illusion. You never had a choice to begin with. It was all just a false pretense to give you a sense of freedom.

There isn't any such thing as choice. We are born without consent into a place which we don't get to choose. Thrown into the circumstances, and expected to survive and within this struggle for survival, a human being is born. One with a personality and other traits that distinguish him from all of his kind, but don't be fooled, these traits are not his, they are just a result of the circumstances he was born under. He didn't have a choice to begin with and all the choices he will make in the future are dependent on his traits which only reflect on the circumstances he was born in.

Obligations and lack of responsibility.

Its quiet obvious when you have a task at hand with a set goal, regardless the magnitude of the outcomes affects on anybody's life, it must be dealt with. Then comes along the occasional and in some cases the "usual" forgetfulness, laziness, getting tied up between two tasks and everyones favorite, the "I'm really not in the mood for this right now."

First things first, procrastinating is the most obvious show of lack of responsibility and with it arises the forgetfulness because its amazing how with such ease a person can convince themselves that they just forgot to full fill their responsibilities. Apart from the artificial factor of forgetfulness, if your just generally not sharp and cant seem to keep a track of things, then that counts as irresponsibility as well because phrases like, "It completely slipped my mind" and "I got caught up in other things" are not valid excuses. They only show how unorganized you are and depreciate your mind.

Similarly getting caught up between two tasks shows disorganization but for instance you were in situation where these tasks were to be completed in separate destinations over a 1000 miles apart overnight, it would be quiet a challenge and even more of an achievement if met.

Last but not least, the mood factor, the equivalent to the apple in eves garden when it comes to responsibility. But of course it tastes good, but only for a while. You can try to ignore and avoid your obligations but not forever, they'll always be waiting for you. Theres no escaping it so whats the problem with facing it. The most common excuse in this case is "I'm afraid", and it sounds like a valid reason because the effect implies that the person is not ready to face this responsibility, but the truth is, they cant know that unless they face it and fail.

The principle behind all of this is simple, do or die.

Why does my head spin everytime I think about it? Why am I thinking so much about it? Why does this warm feeling make me uncomfortable? How do I win this fight without fighting or begging? Is this a battle of wits or is it too late? Hmm, these questions need answers but the only place I can find some resolve is in the comfort of her arms as she rests her head on another mans shoulder. Please just let it be all in my head. Im too ashamed to show how pathetic humans can really be but, am I that pathetic? Is it even pathetic? Whos the judge, because I need to have a word with him. I need to ask him a few questions.

The closer you get to adulthood immature, the less likely you are to reform. Enjoy your mistakes, accept them and move on. It doesn't matter if it pleases you to make those mistakes because if you keep making them, you will notice that it wont seem like a mistake anymore, it will become a "bad habit".

Depression or is it a lack of value..

When I wake up every morning, I don't open the curtains..anymore. Instead I turn on two lights and yet, it feels dark inside. Am I depressed to see things this way or are these things around me stereotypes of depression. Maybe it could be both. But the fact that an idea of something can cast an impression on my mood makes me ask myself, "Why?". Is it because I'm weak or is it because im going crazy and slowly the words in my head have stopped working for me but are against me. Is this depression or am I just judging the matter far too deeply because I didn't get enough sleep last night? Its hard to say, maybe its both.

Everybody has problems.

As it has come to our general attention, everybody has problems. The purpose of a problem is to cause a person to be held in a situation where they are made to make a decision. A decision that could range from saying yes or no to a decision which may have multiple variables requiring the knowledge of infinite dimensions of reason. To my observation, I have come to notice that the more variables there are, the more sensitive the situation usually is and of course, with that in mind, the more dire the consequences of that decision. Its easy to make a decision, but the complexity comes in making the right one, or the wrong, whichever is to your liking.

The way a problem must be handled is with patience, the perspective of an eagle and with a calm attitude. There are times when time is not on your side and you must depend on instinct and instinctualy the decision that you make will mirror the decisions you have made in the past regardless of them being the right or the wrong choices, as it might occur to you once your out of that situation.

You can not fear the consequences of a decision because the moment you begin to do that, its already over. If it gets to you then all your decisions will be made based on your instincts hence stunting your growth.

Let class begin..

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